I think there are certain lessons we learn in our Christian walk that we have to continue to learn through our whole lives. The truth is revealed to us and we are made aware of it, but our humanity, pride, shortsightedness, or whatever gets in the way and distracts us. For me, some of these truths are things like total surrender, our justification by grace alone and not through works, and my being as a means for God's glory alone.
A couple of days ago, I had an intense encounter with God. I'm about to go into my senior year of college so thoughts and concerns about my future are increasingly taking up more and more space in the front of my mind. Basically, it's crunch time. So that morning, I was praying about my future, that God would lead me, open the right doors, and ultimately that His glory would come through whatever it is that I'll be doing. So I wrote "my post-grad life" on a 3 by 5 note card and stuck it in my prayer jar. When I have a specific prayer that comes to mind, I'll write it down, date it, and put it in a jar (my prayer jar) on my bookshelf. I later open it and go through all the prayers and see which ones God has answered and which ones I'm still in waiting for. Some prayers are answered very quickly (spoiler alert: like this one I just did) and some take a lot longer. There's probably at least 5 in there that say "my future husband."
Anyway, a little later that day, God moved. He put me in the right path to encounter the right people and have truth spoken over me. I knew that it was a revelation from God and called my parents and they excitedly confirmed that they had received the same revelation.
I wept. I think when we come face to face with the glory and sovereignty of God, that's all we can do. I asked and I received. It couldn't have been more clear to me and I fell face down on my living room carpet (which needed a good vacuum) and wept. But that's not the end of the story.
Spiritual warfare is a real thing, people. And in the proceeding few days, I was hit hard. Satan came at me with guns blazing. Temptation, fear, doubt, confusion, and especially pride all hit me like a truck. I spiraled and suddenly came face to face with the reality of my humanity. The cycle of prideful highs and insecure lows was in full gear. It's humiliating to understand fully the weakness of our human state. The question of why God lets his people stumble and fall was weighing on my heart pretty hard. It's very difficult for me to accept the fact that I can't be perfect.
I read 2 Corinthians 4 this morning and if I'm being completely honest, it was the first time I opened my Bible since I had that encounter. There's a passage in that chapter that I'm sure most of us are familiar with. Paul talks about how we are like common clay jars: imperfect and unworthy. But these vessels are chosen to carry the glorious treasure of the gospel so that the extraordinary overflow of power will be seen as God's, not ours. There's a couple of specific verses that hit me hard:
"We consider living to mean that we are constantly being handed over to death for Jesus' sake so that the life of Jesus will be revealed through our humanity." 2 Cor. 4:11
"Yes, all things work for your enrichment so that more of God's marvelous grace will spread to more and more people, resulting in an even greater increase of praise to God, bringing Him even more glory!" 2 Cor 4:15
"We view our slight, short-lived troubles in the light of eternity. We see our difficulties as the substance that produces for us an eternal, weighty glory far beyond all comparison, because we don't focus our attention on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but the unseen realm is eternal." 2 Cor. 4:17-18
We are guaranteed a life full of trials and temptation. But in the Kingdom, all of these things are used for the glory of God. Our humanity and shortcomings only highlight the magnificent perfection of God. I am a clay jar. I am a broken vessel. I am imperfect. But God still chose me. And the reality of my humanity ensures that the reception of glory is directed to its rightful owner, God. But please don't misinterpret our dynamic with God as some power struggle. God doesn't make us sin or fall to gain the upper hand. We do the sinning and falling thing on our own pretty dang well. But God is so incredibly gracious that he chose us and continues to choose us to carry out his work.
I am not living for my glory or advancement or justification or peace or knowledge or security. I am living for God and through him all of these things are accomplished by His power.
Satan will do everything in his power to rob God of the glory that he is due. And he sure as heck tried to with me. But I am also told that I am a new creation in Christ, I am a victor over sin and death, and I am reconciled to God and given the ministry of reconciling others to him as well. Though I am imperfect, God has placed his Holy Spirit, the purpose of his glorification, and the message of the gospel in me.
He loves us hard and he loves us well. He is so kind and gentle, yet truthful and righteous. He knows us deeply, acknowledges the intricacies of who we are, and takes care of every facet of our being. He knows me and my heart. He has directed my path toward something that fits me so well. The fact that he cares about me so much that he wants to fulfill all of my desires overflows my heart with affection towards him.
I may not be perfect, but he is. And my union with Christ bridges the gap that sin tore between me and my God. I am reconciled to Him and my life is made one with his.
If you're still reading this, then I ask that you would keep me in prayer for my post-grad life. I have pretty much decided to stay in Lynchburg and pursue growing my floral design business. It is clear to me that God is leading me in this direction but I ask that you would pray for provision, guidance, and focus. Pray that God will open the right doors and that I will be in tune with him enough to recognize when he does. Pray that I would be a good steward of this gift and passion.
And most of all, please pray that my life would be an anthem for the glory of God. Thank you in advance for your prayers and thank you for reading with me. Your care and support mean the world to me.
-Annie